Now that I’m back

I haven’t posted anything in a while. I don’t know why. Work has been busy, I went to Italy for a little break, the Warrior and my stepfather split up and I turned 26. I’ve been spending a lot of my spare time revisiting some of my favourite books. In general, just avoiding thinking about anything to do with myself.

It’s much easier to think about other things.

I feel helpless that I can’t help the Warrior. She is sad and hurt. Is she better off without him? My God, yes. But just because she will be better off in the longterm, doesn’t negate her hurt or her grief. The details of her relationship are not mine to share so I won’t but I do feel like there is nothing I can do to help her through this. It’s just one of those things a person has to do on their own – just take it one step at a time until one day you wake up and realise it doesn’t hurt as much as it did the previous day.

I hope she gets there. She deserves to have a happy life. The best life. I hope she gets it. Right now all I want is her happiness.

Turning 26 has been difficult for me. Professionally I am not where I want to be. I am apparently too hard on myself but I think I just expect better from myself. I’m good at my current job. If anything, going away on holiday for a week and coming back to a team who appeared to totally and completely miss my contribution to the company has given me a huge confidence boost – one that I needed. My responsibilities continue to grow steadily, which is great. I have nothing to complain about. Except that I want to have a career in the longterm and this is not it.

I do know that being this harsh on myself career wise and only confiding in my family (they are the only two people I know I can count on) has meant that I have let my friendships slide. I received four messages on my birthday. One from an old university friend I rarely speak to, through Twitter. Two university friends I speak to and see sometimes and the other from someone who follows me on Twitter. He is a stranger.

That’s it.

It makes me feel sad. Not that I feel sorry for myself, just that I feel sad. It is what it is. I’m not the type of person who thinks that I did something wrong to make these friendships drop out of my life. Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t. I know that I would much rather be without friends who don’t question my disappearance in their lives. I know that I would rather focus on my work and getting where I need to be. I’ve chosen to forgo a relationship, to not marry, to not have children someday. I would rather get myself my dream job, travel and be able to provide a comfortable retirement for the Warrior. Enough worrying about money, about her health, whatever she needs, whatever my sister needs I can provide it because I have the resources open to me. That’s what I want.

It worries the Warrior I think that I have chosen this for myself. After all, aside from my work, who will I spend my birthday with after she is gone? And what about Christmas?  I don’t know. I don’t know why I am like this.

Maybe I’ll think about it when I achieve all that I want to achieve.

Maybe by then it will be too late.

Maybe someday I’ll care.

-Smurf x



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