It sometimes feels like you’re living in a Nightmare when you think of the things that are happening in the world. Orlando, Dallas, Istanbul and Nice. Just some of the examples of the despicable capabilities of human nature. Hate everywhere. Pain everywhere. Threats everywhere. An attack just around the corner, but which corner and when you will come to it is anybody’s guess. Politics, in this country especially, is shambolic. And with every decision that is made, with every breath you take, it all just seems to go on like some sort of nightmare you cannot wake from. You know that dream you can sometimes have, of falling? But right before you hit the ground you suddenly wake up? This is like that, except none of us can wake up. We all just keep falling. It’s like dreaming about all of your teeth falling out but it doesn’t stop there, you just end up bleeding from your mouth – choking on your own blood but not dying.
My focus, then, should be on all of this. On how much the world is suffering and how not so far away it is from me now. I should be thinking about it but I don’t want to anymore. It terrifies me so much I am desperately trying not to make it my everything. Trying not to make everyone else’s pain my own.
The Warrior is going through a really difficult time right now. Personally, things have deteriorated so much with my stepfather that the end is coming. For me, it can’t come fast enough. I look forward to the day this bully, this abuser, leaves our lives. The Warrior deserves love, joy and safety. She doesn’t deserve more abuse in her life. It has to end. It has to. God help me, it has to before I lose my mind.
Maybe it is because of all of these things – these awfully, painful things about life that I find myself off balance. My skin feels odd – like it protests my own touch. It’s the wrong kind of touch. What does that even mean? My mind can’t settle. I feel like I want to feel…something. But also nothing. Something and nothing. That doesn’t make sense to anyone but it’s how I feel. It’s what I want. For someone else to take control of how I am feeling just for a little bit. So I can stop feeling this and feel…good. Or something. I don’t even know.
I can usually push it down. All the way down until I can barely think of it. I’ve spent so long burying it that I’m not even sure of what it is I want. Whatever it is, this last week I don’t seem to be able to do it as well anymore. And there is no one in my life who can help me, who can relate to me, who can show me where to go or who to trust. There is no one. So whilst this nightmare continues on in the world, my own internal nightmare is eating me alive.
I definitely want one of them to stop. The other? I’m not so sure.