I want it

Forbidden

How many times in your life have you been told not to do something? Say something, touch something because it might hurt you? It’s for your own good right? Don’t touch that hot iron, be careful with fire, look both ways before crossing the street, don’t run up and down the stairs, tie your shoe laces. You don’t do something or let something happen to you (if you can help it) because you might get hurt. And being hurt is bad.

Is it?

Is feeling pain so bad that it’s one of those things that should be forbidden? I’m not so sure.

Pain is subjective. What is painful for one person isn’t necessarily the same degree of pain for another. Still, it is one of those things that we are always told is bad for you. It brings nothing positive or good to your life so it is forbidden. You should fight it always.

I don’t want to.

I don’t know why. It is hard for me to admit but for the last two years or so I have been thinking more and more about pain. Why do I want it? Why do I think I might enjoy it? What is it about my psyche that calls for random acts of pain?

If I am truly honest with myself, I have craved it, whatever it is, for years. Maybe since I was a little girl. I’m not sure. It has been there for as long as I can remember. Some pain is just nice. It lets me know that I am alive, a rush of feeling that I can’t quite describe well enough for anyone to really understand me. Why should they when I don’t even understand this part of myself.

I have had to deal with emotional pain for a long time. I have issues. I fight my emotional pain everyday. It’s hard. It’s exhausting and sometimes I guess I just want something else to hurt, something I can control. Maybe that’s what it is. I can control this kind of pain in a way that I simply can’t when it comes to emotional pain. Blood means pain and pain is bad. Except, I don’t always feel that way. Sometimes I like it. Sometimes I like to see my own blood. I am naturally just a clumsy person so I usually have a bruise or a cut somewhere. Wherever it is on my body though, I will touch it, press and prod it so that it hurts. I like it. I don’t purposely cut myself but if I have an injury somewhere, I will exploit it.

I don’t know that I am quite ready to share anything much more. I just know that I think about it. I think about what it would feel like to just have that pain inflicted on me. Would it be as liberating as I want it to be? Would I want it again? Would I hate it? Would it scare me? Should I trust someone enough to find out? Could I trust someone enough to give them control over me for a little bit? I think about it more often these days, this forbidden pain that life has told me I shouldn’t want.

I’ve been listening to this song for the last few days. I love everything about it. The lyrics that say that you want to give up control to someone. It can be anything, of course. It’s music, it can mean anything you want it to mean. The eroticism of the video has been playing on my mind though. There is something primal about it. Something about growing into your own person – body, mind and soul – that I think resonates with me so completely. Both song and video marry together beautifully. I know what they mean to me on a personal level. But I don’t want to think about it too much. Perhaps I’m afraid of how much I am unwilling to admit to myself. How much I might find that I don’t know about myself. I resent my fear. I resent the fact that I follow all other rules in my life to an almost rigid extent and yet, this one thing, I can’t seem to let myself go enough to explore something outside of the norm. It’s forbidden. Right now, it’s too forbidden to let me in. It is a world I’ve always been told is too Other, too far away from what is normal. So then maybe I’ve got it the wrong way round, maybe I need to let it in instead, open myself up to what is already there. Because the forbidden-ness of it all doesn’t empower me, it just makes me scared of being different. I need to let go.

Maybe someday I will.

Someday.

Smurf x

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