I don’t know what I’m doing

And that is pretty much what it’s like to be in your twenties. I don’t know if it was ever like this for people in their twenties fifty years ago, a hundred years ago… whenever years ago, but I am currently not enjoying it much today and every day since I woke up and realised it was my 23rd birthday.

Maybe it’s because I’m too controlling. The idea that at 25 years-old I’ve only just recently figured out what career path I want to take still galls me. How could I not know all this time? How could I tell myself that there was no option for me but to have a successful career but then, in the same breath, not have a single clue as to what that career would be? I know myself don’t I? Don’t I? Well, no.

The Warrior tells me I’m being too harsh on myself. But then, she made me. Doesn’t she have to say this? I don’t even know that. She loves me. This is one of the few things I truly know. But maybe her love means she sees me differently. Maybe her own experience as a woman, a mother, a daughter means she has more patience when it comes to me figuring out how to be all of those things too. She is older, smarter, more worldly than I am. Her life experiences have given her the kind of perspective I don’t have yet so maybe I should believe that it is actually ok to start life now.

The rational part of my brain is telling me that she is absolutely right. I shouldn’t beat myself up over this. I’m 25, not 105! Life hasn’t passed me by. And I haven’t been sitting around doing nothing since I finished my Masters 3 years ago (God! It was 3 years ago already?)  I’ve been working, reading, seeing friends, discovering my love for gin and I even started writing about 7 books (I don’t even know how many books I’ve started writing).

However many of them there are, one thing remains true of them all – I haven’t finished writing a single one. Hell, I started a blog years ago when I was a student and didn’t even keep up with that! What am I waiting for? Who knows? Not me. Maybe it’s because I’m in my twenties that I feel time is infinite and I will always have it, which is silly really because life definitely is not. I should finish them. Every last one. But I haven’t. Maybe I will someday. Maybe I’ll figure it all out. Maybe I won’t. But, for now at least, I don’t know a damn thing except I don’t know what I’m doing in this life and that I’m not alone in feeling like this. Small comfort but I’ll take it.

Smurf x

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